Ignorance, Not Bliss

Around the fall of 2011, I started to crash. The pain was gradual, yet intense and caused my depression to spiral out of control. I had mastered the art of putting on a happy facade but could no longer disguise my inner feelings. I had reached a breaking point and could no longer manage the struggles brought upon by my life.

I had just started a sucky, low paying job and was not in the best of touch with many of my close friends. I believed I was a failure and that it was reason why people abandoned me. Combined with my academic shortcomings and my father's chronic illnesses, nothing seemed to be going well for me. I gave up on trying to make the best of things and seriously considered giving up on everything.

Things have improved considerably since then. For the first time in my life I have a positive outlook on my future while also having an understanding of the challenges caused by my depression. It is sad that it took a mental breakdown and a hospitalization for me to properly tend to my illness but I am thankful for that particular catharsis. Perhaps I needed such a traumatic event for me to not only seek the help I need, but also for loved ones, most notably my parents, to recognize how unhealthy I was.

The day I was admitted was also the day I began my quest for healing, which meant a lot of studying and a lot of learning. If I had to pinpoint the start of my depression, I would say that it started during my first year in high school, but I did not know it at that time. The teasing and bullying caused me to cry myself to sleep some nights and I went from excelling in gifted programs to having be placed on punishment for abysmal grades. Yet despite the now obvious signs and symptoms, I had not a clue of what was wrong with me. Depression was not even a part of my vocabulary so how could I possibly treat something not yet diagnosed?

Things got better but dark feelings began to resurface after my first year of college. I was put on academic leave and things went downhill from there. Absorbed in my self-deprecation, I was paralyzed, unable to move forward. And when I did show signs of improvement, the death and illness of many family members buried me back into the quicksand.

I am a long way from where I was then but not close to where I need to be. To this day, there are still aspects of my depression that I struggle with. It is why I am in therapy. It is why I write about my experiences and am constantly in search of community. My struggles- past and present- are unique and difficult, but with self-awareness, always, always manageable.

This post is cross listed  at LeChele's new blog on black people and mental health issues, Black With The Blues.

Beat the Heat

You know that moment when it's so hot, you decide to take a lukewarm/cold shower? You turn on the water to the perfect cooling temperature and then when you hop into the shower it's scalding hot? You glare at the shower head and bitch about the stupid ass heat.

First world problems.

Folks, I don't know what area you're in, but in my city the temperature is currently at 90 and steady climbing. The heat index is supposed to be 107 today. No beuno.

I'm a summer baby and oppressive heat like this makes me mad. I'm guzzling down water like no tomorrow and angry when my thighs stick together because of the heat.

The fat girl struggle.

But, at the end of the day, when the sun goes down and the mosquitoes are buzzing around my ankles, I'm happy that I made it through another day. It could be worse folks. I'm in air-conditioning probably 80% of the day, I have access to ice water, and hopefully you are/do too.

Here's some tips to beat and deal with the heat. Feel free to add some of your own. It's a struggle out here as it gets hotter.

1. Water water water water. It is so easy to get dehydrated in the heat. We have to drink enough water, especially if we like to enjoy a good margarita after work. Carry around a nalgene, freeze a water bottle, or buy some water while you're out- but make sure you drink enough! We don't need y'all falling out.

 2. Check on the old folks.  Ladies, gents, and everyone else- we can't forget about our elders, especially in this heat. I'm sure we've all seen the news stories of older individuals dying in their homes because of the heat. Don't think just because they have an air conditioner in their window that they're using it or that they're doing okay.

3. Ice-cream. Water-ice or whatever icy treat you enjoy. Make sure you take sometime out to enjoy the nice things about summer. Getting soft-serve vanilla ice cream in chocolate dip is a treat for me. But remember not to over-indulge. Gaining weight in the summer is no fun. And folks, no matter how drunk or high you may be, just because you like ice cream, don't go and do a Gucci Mane. Ever.

4. Dress the part. Folks, just because it's hot outside doesn't mean everyone needs to see your ass, titties, belly or back fat, or anything else that needs to have a bit of fabric covering it up. Ladies, you know y'all are wrong for those outfits sometimes. In the words of Phonte: "Got the fat hangin over the sides (Better go to lane bryant). Girl, you got your gut bustin over the side of your jeans. It look like a muffin". And fellas, seriously just pull up your pants.

5. Showers, deodorant, and sunscreen. Showers folks. Whether it's cold or hot, we gotta remember to get the funk off our backs after a long hot day/night. Stale sweat is not sexy and no one wants to sit next to a funky person, especially in the heat. So please, please, please James Brown. wear some deodorant. And every skin type and color can get sun cancer and a sunburn, wear some good sunscreen. Your body will thank you.

Now that's just a few on my list for keeping cool and fresh in the heat. Please feel free to add yours! And remember folks, stick to the shade when you can.

The Fiore Scott Files: Sometimes I'm a Mess

When life hands me lemons, I like to make vodka lemon.

When someone hands me a drink, there's a good chance I'm going to drink it. (Unless it's from a stranger. Come on now folks- that would just be stupid.)

That half empty or half full glass is just perfect for adding some whiskey.

And I'm usually the person finding events with a free open bar or drink tickets.

Okay, I think you get it. I enjoy a drink or three here and there.

That being said, sometimes I do stupid things with liquor. Sometimes I'm a mess. It happens to the best and worst of us. It's a part of adulthood. As long as I don't get arrested, shot, kill someone, get pregnant, or an std- I think I can get a pass here and there. I've watched my friends be messy and they've seen me be ridiculous or heard my messy tales. I'm glad these tales have gotten to be fewer and far between, but some days I just let loose a little too much.                                                                  

Monday night was one such night. Now I haven't done anything particularly messy since my birthday last July. I've been a good girl and have kept my drinking to a minimum and haven't gone hard like I did Monday night in a long while. Oh how I sometimes yearn for the heydays of college when I could consume copious amounts of liquor, wake up drunk the next morning, and head to class with the intention of drinking again that night. No more of those days for me. I could say that I'm getting old, but my friend would beat me, so I'll refrain.

Now this particular Monday night I found myself at a VIP event at a fancy ass steakhouse that I wouldn't dream of eating at with my current budgetary problems. But somehow, I've made myself likable, useful, and cool enough to get on the list for these VIP events and they always have free drinks and scrumptious finger foods overflowing. This particular night I was seeing and reconnecting with people I hadn't had the chance to hang with in months, was celebrating finishing my classes with As, and letting off some serious steam from work. Somehow I managed to have 3 cocktails, 2 glasses of wine, and a beer in a span of 3 hours. My motto of the night was: Fuck work tomorrow.

I had an awesome time and came home more drunk than I've been in a long time. However, that's when the fun stopped. Right before bed I felt the need to pray to the porcelain goddess. Of course, my body decided not to have a gag reflex when I tried to help myself along and I went to bed feeling like crap. I also woke up feeling like crap as well. I stumbled into the shower and than sat by the toilet for another 10 minutes hoping I could finally dispel this yucky feeling from my stomach. No such luck.

I managed to make it to the bus on time and get to the subway, but that's when everything went downhill. I thank God for McDonalds. I was able to make it to their bathroom in time to puke my brains out. I laughed to myself and thought: Hey at least this isn't pregnancy morning sickness. Lemons folks, lemons.

Anyway, I made it to work still feeling absolutely terrible. I spent the first 2 hours with my forehead on my wrist pad and being told on the phone that I sounded sick. I had brought bread and a soft pretzel with me to eat but I hadn't touched either. It was that bad. But around 10:45 I felt it. That need to get to the porcelain goddess and pay my respects and pay them now. I rushed along the back hallways to get to a working bathroom. I failed. I ended up puking clear liquid in one of the hallways. I thank God that it was a storage hallway where hardly anyone went, that I puked up all the water and liquor I had been drinking, and that I was wearing a black shirt. God took pity on me yesterday.

I'm never going to drink again. Says the girl who's going to a happy hour after work today.

I'm going to be real here. Yesterday was a messy ass moment for me. I puked in a hallway at work. MESS-SAY. Not a moment I'll forget anytime soon for sure. But it's also a moment I hope never to top.

I'm still feeling lousy at 12:34AM on Wednesday, so my body is still not happy with my decisions. I enjoyed my night a little too hard and I'm paying for it. On the bright side, I know for sure that I won't be drinking anywhere at that level anytime soon. Once in a long while is okay, but I know my limit and drinking 6 drinks in 3 hours is nowhere in the cards for me anytime soon. Messy living is bad for my health so I'll keep that to a strict minimum- once a year. Hey, what's a wedding reception without friends telling your family and friends about your most ridiculous nights.

Shopping While Black

Racism is so annoying.

Last Friday, I was in an Asian owed beauty store. It was huge and I had just got paid so I decided to look for some new hair products. No harm, right?

Well, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I told him that I noticed that as I moved from on aisle to another, this Hispanic employee followed me. I was reading the backs of labels so I thought maybe I looked suspicious but as I glanced around to the other non-black customers (which was all of them), they were all doing the same thing.

Slightly annoyed but worried that I was overreacting, I moved to another aisle and there he was. I was furious. And I called him out. I said to him, "Why are you following me?" He gave me 'What the frack are you talking about' look and ignored me. I repeated myself but he still didn't say anything.

I stormed out and noticed two white guys shaking their head. I couldn't read their expressions but I think they thought I was being inappropriate.

I told two friends a few minutes later what happened but they didn't seem to sympathize much. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, and I know it happens a lot to black people but a day later I'm still upset by it.

Racism is so annoying.

To 98.7 KISS FM: A Special Tribute to a Special Station

 Over two weeks ago 98.7 KISS FM, one of my favorite stations here in NYC closed ranks and merged with longtime rival, 107.5 BLS. Both are your standard rhythm and blues stations but KISS played slightly more oldies. It was devastating for fans who have been tuning in for the past thirty years. The city lost it's only smooth jazz station a couple of years ago and now is losing a historic r&b station, one that featured shows from popular syndication talk show hosts Michael Baisden and Al Sharpton. It's where countless of musicians and community leaders were given opportunities to share their voices with listeners across the city. They must now want adults to listen to the radio anymore. Thanks Nicki.

From colorofchange.org:

In the 1960s and '70s, local Black radio stations served as the political and social "drumbeat" of Black communities. At WERD Atlanta, the nation's first Black-owned station, DJ "Jockey Jack" Gibson regularly slipped political news and commentary between record plays. With WERD's studio located directly above the offices of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, Gibson was also known to lower his mic out the window to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. whenever Dr. King wanted to make a statement on air.⁷

A large number of local Black stations were shut down after Congress deregulated the airwaves in 1996. This gave deep-pocketed corporations the green light to buy up thousands of stations in one fell swoop. To cut production costs, corporate owners slashed local programming in favor of nationally-syndicated content that could be broadcast across a large number of stations.⁸ The Community Low Power Radio Act was designed to bring local programming back to the airwaves by making broadcasting licenses available to nonprofit community groups and individuals.

The last time I blogged it was loosely about the death of black radio. If you are like me and are possibly interested in starting or working with a local FM station , join color of change's efforts in taking advantage of the recently passed, Local Community Radio Act. We need ensure that our voices are heard and our ideas are shared so our interests can be valued. This cannot happen if we do not have the platform community support radio affords us.

It's been awhile since I've posted here and I deeply apologize, but I thought I'd comeback with my favorite segment, Throwback Tuesdays. And this post, is dedicated to my beloved KISS that I will dearly miss. Within the comforts of my home, I like to pretend that I am a disc jokey. I rant a lot about social and political issues on facebook while blasting my favorite tunes and sharing with anyone who will listen. I may not become the next quiet storm disc jockey (my voice is too nasally) but is just a snippet of tunes I would feature on my show.

1. Stevie Wonder "As"

2. Amel Larrieux "Get Up"

To Date Online? Or To Stay Yo Ass At Home?

Hola folks,

I just got an account on a popular dating site and things are going just fine. Gettin' some views and some messages and some texts. But, every time the proposal to meet face to face pops up I get clammy.
What if I end up in his trunk?
What if an outing to the comic book store becomes let me chase you into my closet with my dagger?

What if. What if.

Have any of you dated online? Or, at least, browsed online?

The Thirst

Ladies and Gents it has been a while. I've been dealing with family drama and stresses, finals, work, and all other types of things that have taken me away from this blog. I've missed y'all.

Now on to a topic that has been grating at my soul for the past month or so. Ladies and gents, I'm dealing with The Thirst. Now, I'm not the thirsty person. Unfortunately, I'm the one on the receiving end and it's not pleasant. Now for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let me make it plain.

The Thirst is a term applied to those that just can't take a hint. Would-be-suitors who just keep calling or texting and aren't deterred by a lack of response. The men and women who just won't take no or silence for an answer.

My current thirsty acquittance goes to the school I work at. That wouldn't be a problem since it's a huge college and I should be able to duck and dodge any attempts of his approach. It has worked so far, except when it comes to my phone. Since February when I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not have time or patience to date (date him specifically), he took this as a signal that he should still try and be my friend. I responded that he can do whatever he wanted but that I honestly didn't have time for him. I was (and still am) busy with work, grad school, my family, and trying to get my life situation together. He did not fit into the picture.

However since then the texts, call, and voicemails have continued unhindered and he just hasn't gotten that no response means no interest. I haven't responded to ANY of his messages and I don't plan on starting now. Yet the thirst continues. I'm tempted to send a fake reply text such as: Sorry the number you are trying to reach is no longer accepting text messages. Msg. 4186. But even then I feel like he'll use that as an excuse to call.

I don't really know what I should do, if anything, in this situation. I've gotten a few "I saw you today" texts which are a bit creepy but hopefully harmless. And maybe after a few more weeks he'll finally get the hint. For now I figure I'll just wait it out and see what happens. Hopefully I won't see him around on campus but maybe if I do I'll be able to let him know that his interest is not wanted. Hopefully this is just some harmless thirst.

Have you ever had a thirsty acquittance? What did you do to deal with The Thirst?