The Fiore Scott Files: Sometimes I'm a Mess

When life hands me lemons, I like to make vodka lemon.

When someone hands me a drink, there's a good chance I'm going to drink it. (Unless it's from a stranger. Come on now folks- that would just be stupid.)

That half empty or half full glass is just perfect for adding some whiskey.

And I'm usually the person finding events with a free open bar or drink tickets.

Okay, I think you get it. I enjoy a drink or three here and there.

That being said, sometimes I do stupid things with liquor. Sometimes I'm a mess. It happens to the best and worst of us. It's a part of adulthood. As long as I don't get arrested, shot, kill someone, get pregnant, or an std- I think I can get a pass here and there. I've watched my friends be messy and they've seen me be ridiculous or heard my messy tales. I'm glad these tales have gotten to be fewer and far between, but some days I just let loose a little too much.                                                                  

Monday night was one such night. Now I haven't done anything particularly messy since my birthday last July. I've been a good girl and have kept my drinking to a minimum and haven't gone hard like I did Monday night in a long while. Oh how I sometimes yearn for the heydays of college when I could consume copious amounts of liquor, wake up drunk the next morning, and head to class with the intention of drinking again that night. No more of those days for me. I could say that I'm getting old, but my friend would beat me, so I'll refrain.

Now this particular Monday night I found myself at a VIP event at a fancy ass steakhouse that I wouldn't dream of eating at with my current budgetary problems. But somehow, I've made myself likable, useful, and cool enough to get on the list for these VIP events and they always have free drinks and scrumptious finger foods overflowing. This particular night I was seeing and reconnecting with people I hadn't had the chance to hang with in months, was celebrating finishing my classes with As, and letting off some serious steam from work. Somehow I managed to have 3 cocktails, 2 glasses of wine, and a beer in a span of 3 hours. My motto of the night was: Fuck work tomorrow.

I had an awesome time and came home more drunk than I've been in a long time. However, that's when the fun stopped. Right before bed I felt the need to pray to the porcelain goddess. Of course, my body decided not to have a gag reflex when I tried to help myself along and I went to bed feeling like crap. I also woke up feeling like crap as well. I stumbled into the shower and than sat by the toilet for another 10 minutes hoping I could finally dispel this yucky feeling from my stomach. No such luck.

I managed to make it to the bus on time and get to the subway, but that's when everything went downhill. I thank God for McDonalds. I was able to make it to their bathroom in time to puke my brains out. I laughed to myself and thought: Hey at least this isn't pregnancy morning sickness. Lemons folks, lemons.

Anyway, I made it to work still feeling absolutely terrible. I spent the first 2 hours with my forehead on my wrist pad and being told on the phone that I sounded sick. I had brought bread and a soft pretzel with me to eat but I hadn't touched either. It was that bad. But around 10:45 I felt it. That need to get to the porcelain goddess and pay my respects and pay them now. I rushed along the back hallways to get to a working bathroom. I failed. I ended up puking clear liquid in one of the hallways. I thank God that it was a storage hallway where hardly anyone went, that I puked up all the water and liquor I had been drinking, and that I was wearing a black shirt. God took pity on me yesterday.

I'm never going to drink again. Says the girl who's going to a happy hour after work today.

I'm going to be real here. Yesterday was a messy ass moment for me. I puked in a hallway at work. MESS-SAY. Not a moment I'll forget anytime soon for sure. But it's also a moment I hope never to top.

I'm still feeling lousy at 12:34AM on Wednesday, so my body is still not happy with my decisions. I enjoyed my night a little too hard and I'm paying for it. On the bright side, I know for sure that I won't be drinking anywhere at that level anytime soon. Once in a long while is okay, but I know my limit and drinking 6 drinks in 3 hours is nowhere in the cards for me anytime soon. Messy living is bad for my health so I'll keep that to a strict minimum- once a year. Hey, what's a wedding reception without friends telling your family and friends about your most ridiculous nights.

What is Your Weakness?

As I cam into work today I had prepared myself for a long day of work and an even longer day of homework. I was optimistic that I could get what I had planned done and that everything would go well. What I hadn't planned for was to be assaulted by the smell of my weakness. One of the few things that has, in my adulthood, been both a treat and a curse. Twizzlers.

This candy has been an end to many diets. It has also been a comfort when I was particularly stressed. Either way it has been a weakness for me. I love this candy. It is undoubtedly my favorite candy other than Twix and Take 5. And even though I gave up candy for New Years, I have relapsed. Today I gave in. I got to my office and smelled the candy. My coworker who was eating the Twizzlers and had offered me some, I'm cursing her as we speak. JK., informed me that another coworker was selling the candy. I reflected on my resolution not to eat candy for all of 5 minutes. I weighed the pros and the cons. I could continue to work on my resolution to my personal satisfaction. But in the end I decided that I deserved this treat. Especially because I am planning on doing an all-nighter just to get some assignments in early. That and I know myself. Though I may finish the bag today (it's a small one, so sue me), I won't automatically go back to splurging on candy like I did last year. And because I shop for the household groceries, I have made it a rule not to go down the candy aisle, especially if candy my family likes is on sale. So far so good.

Meh. So I've given up on one resolution. I still have 7 more that I have been working diligently on. One bag or bar of candy everyone once in a long while won't hurt me. As long as I don't make it a habit. I just need to remember that Twizzlers (and my other favorites) are my weakness and that if I don't control myself I'll relapse something bad. It's all about will power and I hope I'll have enough to get through this year.

So ladies and gents. What is your weakness? And how do you handle it?

My Focus for the New Year

It's a new day my beautiful people. Happy New Year and be blessed!

This year has been surprisingly robust, sometimes challenging, but altogether a blessing for me. This blog has definitely helped me grow as a woman, intellectual, student, sister, daughter, and as a friend. I thank you so much for sticking around, taking the time out to read our thoughts, and just being involved with our growth as women. 

As my friend Zipporah let it be known; the term "resolutions" is like setting your self up to fail. So I don't have any New Year's Resolutions. I have foci. And yes that is a word.  Here are my Foci for the New Year. And of course, you all will be some of the first to know when I succeed and fail. It's a process and hopefully I'll be successful and able to maintain focus.

1. Have my own place. It's nice (and basically free- though I do help with bills) living at home, but I need some freedom. I'm a grown ass woman (I like to tell myself) and it's time for me to be able to fully do me. Because we all know that all of us hide some of ourselves from our parents. 

2. Lose 40 lbs. So I totally fell off my Kanye West Workout Plan and have just had a glorious time eating and drinking whatever I could get my hands on. And this started before the holidays, so I have no excuses. I could blame the treadmill that broke a few months ago, but I was just too lazy to continue my exercise regime. But I'm definitely going to get back on the horse. It's past time.

3. No soda or juice (unless as a mixer) or candy. Following my previous vein of thought; when I started my workout plan I had cut out soda (though I usually only drink diet anyway), juice, and candy. And it was going splendidly. When I started that again....well let's just say it was an epic fail. So I need some discipline. And since I will continue to need a drink here and there, I'll only indulge in the sugary goodness when I need to booze.  

4. Water, water, water [1]. I am the absolute worst when it comes to drinking water. I can go a full day without having a glass, easily. We have a purified water pitcher at home that has helped me with drinking more water. And I take a bottle to work with me every day. But I need to increase my intake but at least 3 glasses a day. Hopefully that will help with my headaches/migraines. 

5. Pay off at least a third of my student loans. This one is definitely a must if I hope to count myself as being financially secure. I am accruing more loans from being in grad school, so I need to be a nice dent into the loans I already have. I've been doing really well so far and hopefully I can continue.

6. All A's in my classes. Dear Grad School. WTF are you so hard? I mean I finished my first quarter with a 3.85 GPA, so I'm not doing badly at all. But damn. Grad School is hard. 

Well my loves, that's it. I think it's a pretty reasonable list of foci. I just need to discipline myself and plow through it.

[1] I know y'all remember that. Those were the good ol' days of tv.
Forgive the spacing everyone. It took me a good 2 hours to get to the final product and I am far from happy. Not sure if it is blogger, the computer, or chrome.


Do You Have Any New Year's Foci?? Any last year regrets?

Happy New Year!!! The Year in Recap.

Oh Hey 2012. What's really good?

Happy New Year everyone! 

We'd like to thank you for all of your support in 2011. You have been good to us. Look out for even more thought provoking, humorous, and just random posts. We hope we can continue to make you laugh, cry, and inspire some aha moments.

So here is a recap of some of our (and your) favorite posts:

1. Safe Sex Commandments
2. Occupy Wall Street- My Story
3. Mississippi Goddam!!!
4. Pig-Pen
5. Why I Hate Chris Brown
6. Personal Libraries
7. PSA for Black Mothers
8. Facing Execution: The Story of Reggie Clemmons
9. Troy Davis: The Death of My Brother
10. Fiore Scott Files: When You Touch My Hair (Part 1)

There's plenty more of course and we will definitely have more to blog about as the year goes on. Thank you for hanging and escaping with us.


What were some of your favorite posts? 

The Fiore Scott Files: Oh Snap, I Want A Man

Guys and gals. This feeling just literally smacked me in the face. My gut clenched and I felt a twinge in my neck.

It's official. Ladies and gentlemen. I want a boyfriend.

Cue world ending.

Now people who know me know I'm not being melodramatic. I'm not the type of girl who needs a man or usually even wants one. I may go out "man-hunting" every once in a while, but my feelings can go either way. If I meet a guy and we dance all night, that's cool. If we exchange numbers I may gush over it with my friends for a bit. But then I usually just let it go. I'm usually in a period of hibernation. Sure sure, I'm not totally turned off. I'll flirt with a guy in a second if necessary. But at the same time, I haven't really cared one way or another if I started dating a guy or not. I definitely appreciated the fineness that were the multitude of male specimens that happen to pass my view. But now I don't want to just look. I want one. I want a man.

I haven't had this feeling in almost two years. Yes you read that right, two years. It's been that long since I've been involved with someone. Long time ain't it. Well, not really. Before that it had been 3 years. I mean, I just don't really crave relationships. I don't search for them and if it happens it happens. But I usually don't care one way or the other. Even one of my guy friends brought it up two days ago, asking if I had any prospects. I responded that I didn't and that I wasn't really interested because of work and graduate school. But then I have my periods, like now, where chillin' and focusing on other things just isn't good enough. And I won't just settle for flirting and moving on. It's go time. I want a man.

A Survival Guide for Broke People

Here in New York City, we have experienced our fair share of rain in the past few weeks. The weather has put a damper (pun intended) on people's summer plans *cough cough Afropunk festival cough cough* and it doesn't show signs of stopping any time soon. I hate the rain, particularly being outside in the rain, so I have decided to take advantage of the gloomy weather and use it as a time to be productive and catch up on some much needed work. However, after viewing my checking account balance, I have realized that many weekend nights will have to be spent at home, whether rain or sunshine. So fellow members of Broke Phi Broke, know that cutting back is not the end of the world and will be advantageous in the long run. Here are some of the ways I will remedy this not-so-fun phase of my life.

1. Create a game plan to end my brokeness

I have never really followed a budget, which is pretty pathetic considering my age and history of poor spending habits. So I am going to create one! First, I have to find a calculator considering I haven't used one since high school. Then I'm going to have to be real with myself. How can I revamp my wardrobe while still fulfilling my love of gastronomics? What do cut out of my spending to allow me to put $$$ in my currently-non-existent savings account?

I then am going to pull out my calendar, something I haven't used since...ever, and better organize my job search game. It is so easy to get overwhelmed but having a blue print makes the process easier. For me, it is easy to just say apply to 3 jobs a day for me to actually do it. Make sure your resume and cover letter are at their best and remember to stay positive and confident.

2. Reading and writing

I refuse to allow my brokeness to force me into a life of boredom and what better way to bring excitement into my poor life than with reading and writing! *sigh*

Here is the time when you can catch up with current affairs by perusing newspapers and blogs and all that jazz. Taking after my father, I have a bad habit of reading two or three books at a time and never having the discipline to finish many. My bookmark is smack in the middle of Amiri Baraka's Blues People and I have readings for class about systematic racial segregation in America.

As for my writing, I have a half-written short story in my journal, one unedited short story, three unedited/ unfinished poems and countless ideas not yet put on paper. Plenty of free time should be a viable solution to my struggles with self-motivation.

3. Cleaning my Nasty Ass Basement

For real, for real.

4. Cooking Something Unique and/ or Healthy

Sadly, Papa Chele has been sick for the past few months leaving me to have to help out Mama Chele little more. Preparing food for the family has been one of my main responsibilities. My parents are picky, Southern and therefore want food they are familiar with. Well, now that I have more time to myself, I can take time out to cook for myself. I think I am going to cook one of my favorite dishes from my vegetarian days, Chickpea and Dumpling soup. Nutritious and delicious!

5. Invite Loved Ones Over

After you clean your nasty ass house, you can now have company. You can be nice and prepare food for them out of the goodness of your heart. But you can also be real and place a hat the foot of the door, reminiscent of Rent Parties, and have your friend reimburse you (assuming they aren't as broke as you). Either way, it is easy to feel lonely during times like this so it is important to not allow your financial struggles to keep you distant from your friends. So having your friends over for a card party or just play Bid Whist with your parents like me and endure the mindless trash talking. Upgrade your iTunes or dust off some classic vinyls because chances are it is better than that Bottom 40 shit their playing in the clubs.

So yeah, take time out to create a blueprint for a better future for yourself. However, understand this is an opportunity to work at improving your mind and body while appreciating the non materialistic things in your life. So cook some good food, pull out your Marvin Gaye anthology and be merry!

Grateful

There are have been some days when my faith in Jesus was sorely tested. Going 7 months without any job prospects after college while trying to deal with my lack of independence while living at home, was an especially rough patch, but I always told myself to keep going on and that 2011 would be my year. In my darkest hours I even got on my knees and poured my heart out to God for guidance, strength, comfort, and motivation. And He has done exactly what I needed over and over again.

I know that I'm not the best Christian. I rarely read the Bible, don't go to church as often as I should- and when I do sometimes I'm stingy with tithes, do many things that are foolish, overindulge, am stingy and self-absorbed, often have a lousy attitude, and don't speak to God or listen to Him nowhere near as much as I'm supposed to. And I have the habit of going to Him when times are rough but not giving Him His due when I'm doing well.

Yet through it all, God has continued to bless me, comfort me, and provide for me. He has always come through. And this past weekend it took some extremely trying events happening which forced me to sit down and confront the fact that I had been living too fast and not making time for God. I realized that God had really blessed me this year, giving me two jobs, helping me get into graduate school, blessing my family many times over, and giving me many other untold blessings. And I have definitely taken them for granted.

I'm glad I am able to slow it all down and put things into perspective. I've been making a lot of moves in the right direction but also been messing around quite a bit. There's nothing wrong with enjoying life to the fullest, but I realized that I might have been enjoying some of the wrong things. I can only thank God that he put me in a difficult situation that allowed me to fall back and get myself right. In the words of TI and Kanye, sometimes you have to drive slow.

So today and everyday after that, I'm going to continue to thank God for really sitting me down and helping me remember what I need to do to improve myself and really make things happen for me.

Tasting Danger: My Foray into Craziness

After a second night (though not sequential), since I've turned 23,  of getting "Girl you are crazy!" type texts from friends, after telling yet another ridiculous story, I've realized that yes maybe I have taken a few steps too many off the deep-end. I've increasingly put myself into what could easily be dangerous situations with men, though I have had the luck and blessings not to have had any problems.

I've realized that since college, I've had different spurts of living on the edge. And right now I've been busting out.

The first guy I was involved with I met off the internet [1]. I was 18 and foolish. One of my older college friends had told me about her experiences with dating/being involved with men from the internet, and I was interested, especially because I wasn't getting any attention from the people in my tiny college environment. I wanted to feel pretty and the attention he lavished me did just that. But looking back, it was a really dumb and dangerous thing for me to do. To just meet up with a random guy I had met over the internet and talked to a few times on the phone. And to make matters worse, I didn't meet him at a public place. I met him at the bustop near his house and we ended up hanging out at his place. 

WTF was wrong with me? Naivety at it's best.

Luckily everything worked out and we ended up being involved (I refuse to call it dating) for a couple months after that. But it was still a really dangerous thing for me to do. He could have been a rapist, could have drugged me then kidnapped me, or other perfect scenarios for Law and Order SVU/CI. I was blessed not to have any of that happen. And I admit that after our affair ended, I realized I needed to be a bit more discerning about such situations and stopped any dealing with internet dating. Sure it has become more mainstream, but you still have to be careful of the weirdos/possible rapists. Sometimes it works, many times it doesn't. I'd say after that that I had a solid 4 years of safe living. I focused on my studies and getting out of college. Sure I partied, and hard at times, but I still was pretty safe...mostly [2]. But lately, I've been letting loose and losing my mind.

Maybe it's because I've finally started my adult life: having graduated, recently being accepted into graduate school, and having started a permanent job [3]. Maybe I'm feeling like I need to have a bit of fun before I get loaded down by work and classes. Or maybe I'm really getting sick of living at my parents place and this is my rebellious side kicking in. Probably a mix of all three, but either way, I've been putting myself in ridiculous situations and (thankfully) living to tell the tale.

My latest bout of ridiculousness dealt with my hanging out with two random ass guys I met on the subway one Friday night. We struck up a conversation and I found out that one was from the area and both had studied here. They were partying in a different area and I wished them luck as I went my separate way with my friends. I ended up doing BYOB bowling with my friends (best idea eva!) and then leaving before them with the intent of getting home before it got to late. (Oh the curses of living far away from downtown.) Who do I happen upon in the subway? The two random guys. Mind you they had gotten off at a different stop, yet here they were. They called it fate. I called it ridiculous. Yet and still, when they coerced invited me out for drinks, I took a gamble and said ok. It was 11pm and I knew I needed to get home because it would take more an hour at least, but I decided to take the plunge and be crazy for the night.

We ended up going to a bar I was familiar with and having a good time. They ended up fighting for my attention, which really boosted this girl's confidence. Having two guys fight over you is pretty awesome. They even offered to pay my taxi home if I stayed later with them. I politely declined but did accept the offered subway fare home. On the way home it fully struck me just how ridiculous and crazy I was. I had gone off with two random guys I had just met to a bar. They could have taken me anywhere, but they didn't. They were extremely nice and I wouldn't mind hanging with them again. But I had been blessed that I hadn't been in danger and that I hadn't ended up on the evening news.

Maybe this isn't dangerous to you guys. And maybe you're giving me the side-eye for hanging with some randos. It happened and it was fun. Will I put myself in such another situation? I don't know, but hopefully I'll use my head either way. Maybe sometimes you gotta step out and be a little crazy to experience a bit of fun and a story to tell your friends. So yes, maybe I'm a bit crazy.

Side-Note: This is just such an awesome song I had to put it here. It kinda has something to do with what I was saying. Anyway, give a listen.

[1] Y'all probably giving me the side-eye right now. Don't be acting like you've never signed up for OKCupid. Actually, this site was Blackplanet. THROWBACK! 
[2] Totally ignoring my ridiculous sophomore year. 
[3] Boss status.

The Fiore Scott Files: Back in Action

My friends will tell you that for the past year or so my libido has been on cruise control. As in, not a twitch, quiver, or jump. I could stare at a fine ass man at a bar and feel nothing. I'd appreciate his fineness but I never got the jump in my heartbeat or the coil in my body that told me I wanted to jump him. And this happened all the time, so it wasn't a fluke. It happens to the best of us I hope. Sometimes our bodies and minds just aren't feeling it.

But lately my libido has decided to do a 180 and put me back in the ring. It definitely started with my lusting after a cable guy who came to my house (that's a story for another blog post) and a gorgeous Italian guy who I fortunately found out was married before I made a complete fool out of myself. We flirted and danced and I realized that for the first time in forever (over a year), I really dug a guy. I was ready to pounce and was actually ready to make the first move. But God stepped in and luckily I found out from a mutual friend that he was married. I was crushed but I was happy in the fact that I had actually felt something for a guy after so long.

I'm telling you all of this because today I almost crashed my car.

Why you ask?

Because the finest man I've seen in my city was jogging down the block as I drove by. This man in all his fineness made me do a double take. The kind that when I turned back forward, I had to swerve to not hit a car. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

He was definitely one of those "God broke the mold when he made you" men. Tall, beautiful brown skin, muscles that had me fanning myself, a cute tribal tattoo on his upper left chest, and beautiful face. I clearly got a good look.

He had me ready to turn my car around and follow him down the street. But traffic wasn't having it and I had errands to run. But I still got to see some yumminess and I felt something. It was delicious.

Maybe I'll see him around. Maybe I won't. But he let me know that I was definitely back in action, no longer on cruise control, and finally steering the wheel.    

AN: No that's not the dude in the picture. I was just giving y'all some eye-candy.

For my Hero, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

So I was searching for a song that would be perfect for this post. And it took all of 5 seconds for me to pinpoint just what song I wanted as a tribute to my Daddy and to all those Daddys and Grandaddys (I'll even big up the brothers and uncles too) of the world.

There are plenty of ballads sung about mothers but not too many sung about fathers. Fathers just don't get the praise they deserve and we definitely need to celebrate our fathers better. Mother's Day gets a whole big hooplah but all Father's Day gets is a sale on ties and tools. I can only speak for the father I have and the fathers I know, and the vast majority of them are some of the best men I know.

My own Daddy has raised up 5 children, 3 of which are growing men. The 5 of us are well on our way to doing and being the best we can with what God gave us. There have been days were my daddy would come home exhausted after working multiple straight days of double shifts just so that he could pay our school tuition. My daddy and mom have worked their butts off to ensure that we know what our priorities should be: God, family, education, and then success. They have both slaved away at their jobs to secure our academic future at the best private schools and have sacrificed fixing our home, buying better cars, taking vacations, and even buying clothes for themselves.

My daddy is my hero. I learned to cook from him. I learned how to budget my money. I learned sacrifice. I learned to put education first. And I learned love.

My father is the hero in our house and the cornerstone. He is the quiet strength that I seek out when I'm weary or need some comfort. He is my mentor, my idol, and my daddy. I could never ask for a better father.

The song I chose as a tribute was one of the songs that has always stuck with me. I've watched this movie multiple times with my father and have listened to this song many times with him as well. This is one of his favorite songs and since I couldn't find it anywhere in playback form I had to make my own video.

This song sums up for me the strength my father embodies. A strength of mind, strength of body, strength of spirit, and a strength of will. I thank God for him and for all that he has done and will continue to do.

I send best wishes out to all the fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, and men, especially those working their hardest to improve the lives of those around them. Take time out to wish someone a Happy Father's Day, even if you don't know them. Happy Father's Day to all the men doing the best they can for their families. I pray that your sacrifices and love guide you all to success and happiness.

Happy Father's Day!

Photo complements of this blog.

What I'm Gonna Do Now?

Yes. This is exactly what you think it is. Another birthday shout-out.

You're probably thinking: How you not going to post for a week then come back with this? Yet another birthday post, can you get some new material?!

Well my dear friends. Life has been calling. I've been drinking. Taking care of my family (no kids yet #pause). And playing Cafe World on facebook. I've been busy. Sue me.

Jokes.

Actually this was going to be just that, but my girl lemonswithsalt beat me to it. So I decided to sit on this post for a bit to figure out just what I wanted to say. And then it came to me.

One of my best friends, the very wonderful Zipporah Pearce, is leaving me to go back home.  Sure I'll see her when I decide to hop on the bus and take that ride to her home area. And sure I'll be able to talk with her through gchat and email and comment on her facebook posts. But she won't be here. And I realize that I both haven't taken advantage of seeing her enough and have become very comfortable with her being in such a close distance to me. Because the reality is, I don't have many black friends in my area. It's probably ironic because I live in one of the metropolitan cities in America (sorry no brownie points for guessing which one), and there is no lack of black people. Yet the vast majority of my black (and Latino) friends live in other cities. And that poses a problem.

Because sometimes you just wanna hang with black people.

Now don't get me wrong. I love love love all my friends and I love going out with all of them, no matter who they are or what race they are. I wouldn't be friends with them otherwise. But sometimes you just want to be with who and what you know best. And for me that is with my fellow black people. Sometimes I just want to grind up on a dude in a hood ass club. Sometimes I want to chill in a funky lil dive bar which has the DJ spinning O'Jays while I'm sipping on some E&J and diet Coke. And sometimes I just want to talk about my issues with negroes who make the rest of us look bad.

Sure I could bring some of my white friends to that hood ass club, and I've done so before. It was fun and a new experience for them. But if I want to crack on some black chick who has on a tacky ass weave or rant about some racist ass picture about some black woman I saw earlier that day, my black friends (especially the three ladies I'm doing this blog with) are clutch, because more often than not we are on the same wavelengths about these things. That's not to say my other friends wouldn't get what I'm saying or vibe with me, but there are many things in black culture that only other black people can truly vibe with. Just like there are things my white, Asian, Indian, etc. friends can't really talk to me about. That's just reality.

And my reality is setting in. I will admit to having only 1 or 2 black people in my area that I can really vibe with. A part of it is my fault as I have just fallen off with people, but the telephone line works both ways. But at the same time I realize that its time to get out there and rebuild bridges that are in shambles and create some new bridges along the way. I'm going to take care of the few friendships I do have with the blacks in my area and reach out to those who I've connected with before. And I'm going to invite my other friends to things that I might have before only invited my black friends to. And I'm hoping it will replace the hole Zipporah's leaving.

I'm going to miss Zipporah's presence but I know she's not too far from me and that our friendship will remain strong no matter the distance. I'll still be able to vibe with her even if not in person. And I know it will be messy when we do get together. I'm probably going to tear up when I see her for drinks next week but I wanted to shout her out for being that fantastic friend I could vibe with. Here's to you homie.

 

Y'all know I had to put this in there. Now this is some good music to vibe to. The stuff of legends.

Wrong, again?!

'Wrong, again?!' That is the phrase I would recite as a I scanned through all the red smeared across every single graded math test I received from a teacher. I can't even count how many tests I have crumbled up and stuffed into the recesses of my backpack, hoping that I would forget them. No matter how I excelled in the humanities, social sciences and extra currix math always felt like a constant hurdle. But I have to tell the story from the beginning...





Picture it: It's 6th grade math and we are all sitting and watching our brilliant black, male, attractive, fit... math teacher write problems on the board. While going over the lecture he would randomly quiz students in the class. I'm sure you have all experienced this random quizzing teaching method. And if you haven't, then consider yourself lucky. I sat there, smacked by puberty and awkward, hoping he would not freakin' call on me. But, of course he did. All eyes shot to me and in my nervousness I lost track of my thought and blurted out any answer that sounded like it just might be right. Well, I was wrong, again.

My teacher sighed with disappointment and I tried to sink as deeply into my seat as possible. To make matters worse, a kid who was more popular than me snorted, 'stupid' from across the room. From then on, I vowed to mentally resign from every future math class. I repeated over and over to myself that math was just not something I was good at and I should stop trying. No really- I stopped trying to be good at it or even to learn it. I just checked the frack out and spaced out in math classes for the next 6 years.

And now I deeply regret it. You need math for freakin' everything. You need math to understand music, you need it to figure out a humane tip for a waitor/ress, to figure out if you're being cheated out of money etc. You need math to live in this society. And it's a skill I just don't have. More importantly, it's a deep source of shame. I feel that by not being mathematically competent that I have failed my parents by wasting a portion of the money spent on private tutors to supplement my private school education.

So what am I going to do? I am going to take some math classes at a community college - that's what!

Will I be scared? yes. Will I feel stupid? At times, yes, but those moments will pass. Will I wish that I weren't there? Heck yes. But you know what-- I really want to gain more confidence in this arena and I no longer want to feel math-handicapped!

Wepa!

The Diary of a Pretty, Dark Skinned Girl

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

This is very hard for me to watch. I grew up in a black neighborhood and went to majority black schools. Virtually all of the popular girls were light skinned. The guys loved them. I did not enjoy such adoration. In middle school, I was called ugly every single day. It may not have been because of my dark complexion but I was certainly was not seen as pretty and I don't think its a coincidence that other dark skinned girls were experienced the same struggles.

Despite the hell the boys put me through, I cannot bring myself to blame them for their actions. We were bombarded with images from r&b and hip hop culture where light skinned, skinny-nosed chicks with flowy hair were greatly desired. Growing up in the 90's, the two most memorable dark skinned women in entertainment were Whoopie and Oprah. The two are talented and accomplished but neither are really celebrated for their beauty. Even the few pretty dark skinned women in the biz were still considered less attractive than their lighter counterparts (Naomi vs. Tyra, Kelly Rowland vs Beyonce, Foxy Brown vs. Lil Kim).

Could you blame a little dark skinned girl like me for thinking her complexion serveed as a hindrance to her beauty? My insecurities about my complexion were not as pronounced as the ladies in the trailer but I certainly empathize with them. It took a long time for others to appreciate my beauty but it took even longer for me to accept my own. I accept my deep, chocolate complexion, my slender curves, my nappy hair, my chubby cheeks and perhaps most proudly, my deeply set, glowing smile. I'm not waiting for the mass media or certain controversial "intellectuals" to catch on. My struggles with acne are not akin to my dark skin, for the latter is not an imperfection. Not anymore.

Unfortunately, many dark skinned black women have not yet traveled down the road I have. But they need to hitch hike and come on! Compliments from others can certainly help with a person's self-confidence, but sometimes you have to force yourself to learn about the complications of your beauty. Sometimes the mirror lies. If the mirror tells you that what you are seeing is inferior, you have to depend on yourself for self-actualization. If your reflection is equating you with negative associations with image then you counteract that with knowledge of the contrary. Know that interpretations with beauty is not universal and in this particular case, is often racist. Why then participate in that?

Getting out of Your Comfort Zone

Now all my friends will probably look at me crazy for saying this, but I consider myself an inherently shy person. I used to be way worse to the point where even in groups with people I knew, I couldn't bring myself to talk. That's why everyone always thought I was angry in high school. Nope. I was just too shy to talk with you.

Luckily I've turned into my grandmother and am now able to just start random conversations on the street. I've met some very interesting people that way. It still takes a lot of effort to really just start mingling with people I don't know but I think I'm really learning how to balance my friendliness with my shyness.

Now last night was a big challenge for me. I recently became an elite Yelper and as such am able to go to exclusive events, if I'm lucky enough to get on the list. Luck was my lady last night and I was able to attend an event that went above and beyond my expectations.

As a new Yelper I actually don't know many other Yelpers and before last night I knew no Elite Yelpers. The catch with this event was that you couldn't bring a guest as most other Yelp events allow you to. So I was going on my own to an event where I knew no one, and I'm shy. Talk about a challenge. But I debated and debated and finally decided it would be a huge waste if I didn't just go out on a limb and do it.

When I'm with people I know I'm comfortable and very outgoing. I have stories to tell and jokes to make. But on my own it takes a lot of effort (and some liquor) to loosen up. But lady luck stayed with me through the night. As soon as I got there I met a fantastic fellow new Yelper who also didn't know anyone else at the party. We hit it off right away and decided to team up to mingle. It worked. We went around talking, myself targeting those who stood alone, and her taking that extra step to introduce us to groups. And 99% of the time the people where extremely welcoming and gave us both a confidence boost. It also helped that there was free wine and beer on hand (I still tipped of course). I even broke away at times and mingled with people on my own.

The best part of the night was at the end. After we had really gotten the party going and ended the night dancing to fantastic party music, the veteran elite congregated trying to figure out what to do next. And when one of them asked me what I was doing next, I felt that tingle of excitement that comes when people do something so unexpected but so welcome. I unfortunately had to go home, but just being asked really iced the already delicious cake. It was definitely a 6/5 star evening.

But the most important thing for me is that I got out of my comfort zone and did something that I wasn't entirely confident about and luckily everything went extremely well. I am definitely motivated to attend other such events now, even if I don't know any or many people there. It may be helped by a bit of liquid courage, but I'm going to jump out of my comfort zone and hopefully keep meeting such fantastic people and having a great time.

Well there you have it. Do you have any anecdotes about times you stepped out of your comfort zone?

Yeah, It's Complicated

A recent article from Clutch Magazine entitled "It's Complicated: Black Women & Weight" got me thinking about my workout regime. I admit. I've been slacking. I haven't done anything in the past few days and I know I've fallen into a lazy funk.

Lying in bed last night I tried to motivate myself to workout for the next day. I've actually been saying pretty much the same thing every night for the past few day: That when I get up I'll get some work done, clean, and then workout. I'm lucky if I get the 2nd thing done.

All this made me realize that I have a long way to go. I pride myself on being pretty well adjusted. I make my friends laugh, I laugh everyday, and I'm happy. If I was to kick the bucket tomorrow, I would have no regrets.

But what does this all have to do with working out? All this reflection made me realize that I still have issues with my self-esteem and that has been the biggest effect on my choice to workout.

I'm tall and well-proportioned but clinically obese. I've struggled with my weight and my poor eating habits since grade school. I've suffered bout of depression from that time and I can recall times when I would sneak whole boxes of Tastycakes into my room and snack on them on the particularly hard day, and there were many.

I was always the tallest and biggest girl in my class and my self-esteem often took a hit when all the other girls got attention from the guys and I constantly received none.

Even in high school I kept to myself mainly, stemming from my lack of self-esteem and depression, but when I finally began to open up in my junior and senior year, I still didn't receive the attention most high school girls crave. Sure there were the guys on the street who heckled every once in a while, but I wanted to date, feel attractive, and be admired by my male peers.

College did open up new possibilities, as I came to school much happier, more self-assured, and feeling beautiful. Guys (interestingly enough they all were not from my college) began to pay me attention and I even had the chance to date a few times. But I found that it took me wearing low cut shirts to feel pretty. I felt that I need to put my God-given assets on display just to get the attention I so desperately craved.

Just a couple years later I can definitely say that I have matured for the better. 90% of the time I don't feel the need to wear low cut shirts when I go out and I find myself feeling much more comfortable in clothes that don't show much skin. I've also become comfortable with my curves, even my muscular calves. But at the same time, that comfort has hindered me from really improving myself physically and in some parts mentally.

I have large breasts (DDD's) and a large butt. I love these about myself. But I also have flabby arms and a tummy. I struggle with these parts of my body. I know I could stand to loose a good deal of weight, but I also know that I will loose a good deal of my curves. And that scares me.

I suppose that's an immature and vain fear but it's one that took me 22+ years to fully realize and appreciate. This fear has helped me to realize that I still rely heavily upon my body to gain attention even if I don't wear revealing things. My friends even joke that guys will stare at my boobs even when they are covered up because they are so big. And that vain part of my glows.

So what's next? What do I do with these realizations? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure that out. This is a vulnerability that I have to work on. But I will work on it and I will work out. But the most important thing is that I know that I need to do this for myself and not for attention. It's a journey and a hard one, but I won't be giving up anytime soon.