My Focus for the New Year

It's a new day my beautiful people. Happy New Year and be blessed!

This year has been surprisingly robust, sometimes challenging, but altogether a blessing for me. This blog has definitely helped me grow as a woman, intellectual, student, sister, daughter, and as a friend. I thank you so much for sticking around, taking the time out to read our thoughts, and just being involved with our growth as women. 

As my friend Zipporah let it be known; the term "resolutions" is like setting your self up to fail. So I don't have any New Year's Resolutions. I have foci. And yes that is a word.  Here are my Foci for the New Year. And of course, you all will be some of the first to know when I succeed and fail. It's a process and hopefully I'll be successful and able to maintain focus.

1. Have my own place. It's nice (and basically free- though I do help with bills) living at home, but I need some freedom. I'm a grown ass woman (I like to tell myself) and it's time for me to be able to fully do me. Because we all know that all of us hide some of ourselves from our parents. 

2. Lose 40 lbs. So I totally fell off my Kanye West Workout Plan and have just had a glorious time eating and drinking whatever I could get my hands on. And this started before the holidays, so I have no excuses. I could blame the treadmill that broke a few months ago, but I was just too lazy to continue my exercise regime. But I'm definitely going to get back on the horse. It's past time.

3. No soda or juice (unless as a mixer) or candy. Following my previous vein of thought; when I started my workout plan I had cut out soda (though I usually only drink diet anyway), juice, and candy. And it was going splendidly. When I started that again....well let's just say it was an epic fail. So I need some discipline. And since I will continue to need a drink here and there, I'll only indulge in the sugary goodness when I need to booze.  

4. Water, water, water [1]. I am the absolute worst when it comes to drinking water. I can go a full day without having a glass, easily. We have a purified water pitcher at home that has helped me with drinking more water. And I take a bottle to work with me every day. But I need to increase my intake but at least 3 glasses a day. Hopefully that will help with my headaches/migraines. 

5. Pay off at least a third of my student loans. This one is definitely a must if I hope to count myself as being financially secure. I am accruing more loans from being in grad school, so I need to be a nice dent into the loans I already have. I've been doing really well so far and hopefully I can continue.

6. All A's in my classes. Dear Grad School. WTF are you so hard? I mean I finished my first quarter with a 3.85 GPA, so I'm not doing badly at all. But damn. Grad School is hard. 

Well my loves, that's it. I think it's a pretty reasonable list of foci. I just need to discipline myself and plow through it.

[1] I know y'all remember that. Those were the good ol' days of tv.
Forgive the spacing everyone. It took me a good 2 hours to get to the final product and I am far from happy. Not sure if it is blogger, the computer, or chrome.


Do You Have Any New Year's Foci?? Any last year regrets?

Yeah, It's Complicated

A recent article from Clutch Magazine entitled "It's Complicated: Black Women & Weight" got me thinking about my workout regime. I admit. I've been slacking. I haven't done anything in the past few days and I know I've fallen into a lazy funk.

Lying in bed last night I tried to motivate myself to workout for the next day. I've actually been saying pretty much the same thing every night for the past few day: That when I get up I'll get some work done, clean, and then workout. I'm lucky if I get the 2nd thing done.

All this made me realize that I have a long way to go. I pride myself on being pretty well adjusted. I make my friends laugh, I laugh everyday, and I'm happy. If I was to kick the bucket tomorrow, I would have no regrets.

But what does this all have to do with working out? All this reflection made me realize that I still have issues with my self-esteem and that has been the biggest effect on my choice to workout.

I'm tall and well-proportioned but clinically obese. I've struggled with my weight and my poor eating habits since grade school. I've suffered bout of depression from that time and I can recall times when I would sneak whole boxes of Tastycakes into my room and snack on them on the particularly hard day, and there were many.

I was always the tallest and biggest girl in my class and my self-esteem often took a hit when all the other girls got attention from the guys and I constantly received none.

Even in high school I kept to myself mainly, stemming from my lack of self-esteem and depression, but when I finally began to open up in my junior and senior year, I still didn't receive the attention most high school girls crave. Sure there were the guys on the street who heckled every once in a while, but I wanted to date, feel attractive, and be admired by my male peers.

College did open up new possibilities, as I came to school much happier, more self-assured, and feeling beautiful. Guys (interestingly enough they all were not from my college) began to pay me attention and I even had the chance to date a few times. But I found that it took me wearing low cut shirts to feel pretty. I felt that I need to put my God-given assets on display just to get the attention I so desperately craved.

Just a couple years later I can definitely say that I have matured for the better. 90% of the time I don't feel the need to wear low cut shirts when I go out and I find myself feeling much more comfortable in clothes that don't show much skin. I've also become comfortable with my curves, even my muscular calves. But at the same time, that comfort has hindered me from really improving myself physically and in some parts mentally.

I have large breasts (DDD's) and a large butt. I love these about myself. But I also have flabby arms and a tummy. I struggle with these parts of my body. I know I could stand to loose a good deal of weight, but I also know that I will loose a good deal of my curves. And that scares me.

I suppose that's an immature and vain fear but it's one that took me 22+ years to fully realize and appreciate. This fear has helped me to realize that I still rely heavily upon my body to gain attention even if I don't wear revealing things. My friends even joke that guys will stare at my boobs even when they are covered up because they are so big. And that vain part of my glows.

So what's next? What do I do with these realizations? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure that out. This is a vulnerability that I have to work on. But I will work on it and I will work out. But the most important thing is that I know that I need to do this for myself and not for attention. It's a journey and a hard one, but I won't be giving up anytime soon.

Let's Work it Out!

One of my favorite songs is the The New Workout Plan by Kanye West. It not only cemented Kanye as one of my favorite artists, but also served as a true motivator for getting me to work out. It has served as a constant reminder that I need to get off my lazy butt and workout (as it comes on my itunes quite often and it makes a perfect work out station on pandora), and it has spoken to the age old not-so-secret quest of marrying for money that many women jokingly (guilty!) say is their fallback plan [1]. Listening to this song actually made me really think about myself and why I workout (when I’m actually not lazy, which is happening more often, thankfully).

In the past I would have bouts of working out for two weeks straight because I wanted to impress that guy I liked, or because my father’s illness (the sugar) was in the forefront of my mind, or I needed to fit into those really cute pair of jeans I bought online and just couldn’t bear to send back [2]. More recently I decided it was time to head to my doctor’s nutritionist (thank God for healthcare!!) and really set out a plan [3]. She set me off with a goal of eating just 1500- 2000 calories a day. I never realized just how difficult it is the actually maintain that level. Talk about a wakeup call. We also set out a workout plan where I focused on lifting weights and slowly but surely adding cardio into the mix.

If my sims can do it, I can do it to.

I’m happy to say it’s been 2 months and I’m still going strong. At the beginning I focused on lifting weights and realized just how much I loved it. This has been my first time bench pressing and I wish I had started before. I bought a pilates set back in the summer and finally started using it. I’ve even added an average of 20 mins of speed walking on the treadmill. Yet there are just days were I look at the gym equipment and can’t bring myself to do anything.

So I wonder. What gets you guys and gals motivated to work out?

It definitely pays to have a gym in the basement, or else I wouldn’t be bothered to workout. I definitely can go for days and even a full week without even lifting a weight. And when I get back to working out I wish I hadn’t taken that break, since it’s like I’m starting from the beginning again. But I reflected and realized that I’ve definitely matured and my motivations have changed as well. Yes I still want to go down some sizes in the clothes I wear, and with a history of heart disease and the sugar in my family- health is key, but I also just want to feel good. I like having energy after my workouts and I like eating what I want. I also like the definition in my arms and legs.

They say having a support system is key to maintaining a good work out plan. My family has been somewhat supportive with eating healthier and getting my younger siblings to work out (if only I could get my parents to do it too!). And it’s helpful when friends engage you about your fitness and even talk about their own successes and struggles (I’m looking at you lemonswithsalt).

But it’s a journey and one I hope you all won’t mind being a part of. I hope I can use this blog as another support system.

What are some of your struggles and successes? What specific workouts get you going? Any tips?

Spread the love y’all.

[1] Come one now. I’m not the only one who wouldn’t mind marrying rich. I actually wouldn’t even mind being a housewife. (Yeah I said it.) Is that my goal in life? Nah, but it would be nice. 

[2] For those of you not acclimated to African American slang, “the sugar” is another term for diabetes.

[3] Props to the government Obama for allowing parents to have their adult kids as dependents. Times are hard ya dig?