Friday, September 16, 2011

Novacane, Novacane

I complain frequently about the state of mainstream hip and r&b music. However, I am excited about Frank Ocean's emergence on the scene. He's no modern-day Marvin Gaye but he's intriguing, especially his hit song 'Novacane.' The song was apparently inspired by a female dentist student with whom he was acquainted with whose good lovin' kept him numb- figuratively or literally, who knows. The song is catchy, sporadic and seemingly nonsensical but I connect to the underlying message in the song, one that most overlook.

The lyrics are what resonate with me. No I don't binge on cocaine or sex but I do relate to the feeling of numbness. For the past few months I have lost a lot of life in me. My thoughts lack clarity causing many of my actions to be thoughtless. Personal struggles have left my spirits low. I'm always sleepy. I no longer have the energy to go to school or work. I've let my friends down and over the years while I continue to disappoint many in my family.

I'm a mess. My basement is still nasty because I haven't had the willpower to clean it, despite ample time to do so. Three pieces of leftover Popeyes chicken was my dinner today, followed later by pieces of watermelon because I felt guilty for not eating vegetables in the past two days. Seriously.

Never before have I let troubles with my emotions pour over into my physical health. I decided to do a quasi-cleanse, one that will restrict me to a vegan diet. No meat, no dairy, no fried foods, no liquor and no caffeine. I'm looking to purify myself and rid myself of at least some of the junk I've accumulated over time, most especially that serving of Popeyes.

Because it is not a cleanse in the truest sense, I don't expect to become as fit as Serena. It's more psychological related. It is more difficult to figure shit out if you, well, feel like shit. Paradoxically, if you treat your body like shit, you can end up feeling pretty badly. My drinking has become more casual. My boyfriend asked me one night if I had been drinking before we met up. I lied. At first it was because I didn't want to face his judgement, but I really wanted to shield myself from my reality. So I lied and then drank more than night until I was lying calmly on our friend's couch. I wasn't fucked up but I was perfectly numb.

It's how two large cups of coffee feel back to back or after a breakdown on a NYC subway. 'Novacane' is illustrates how a clouded conscious causes you to partake in self-destructive behavior. Frank Ocean captures that such behavior isn't intended for satisfaction or fulfillment. He recognizes that some people want to feel numb. Numb, numb, numb, numb. Some people could give a damn about excitement or happiness, even. Some just want to simply exist calmly. I sometimes want the freedom of not feeling anything. Maybe one day I'll appreciate love and happiness, but first I have to gain clarity from within. Right now, I am stuck feeling numb. 

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