Thursday, June 21, 2012

Beat the Heat

You know that moment when it's so hot, you decide to take a lukewarm/cold shower? You turn on the water to the perfect cooling temperature and then when you hop into the shower it's scalding hot? You glare at the shower head and bitch about the stupid ass heat.

First world problems.

Folks, I don't know what area you're in, but in my city the temperature is currently at 90 and steady climbing. The heat index is supposed to be 107 today. No beuno.

I'm a summer baby and oppressive heat like this makes me mad. I'm guzzling down water like no tomorrow and angry when my thighs stick together because of the heat.

The fat girl struggle.

But, at the end of the day, when the sun goes down and the mosquitoes are buzzing around my ankles, I'm happy that I made it through another day. It could be worse folks. I'm in air-conditioning probably 80% of the day, I have access to ice water, and hopefully you are/do too.

Here's some tips to beat and deal with the heat. Feel free to add some of your own. It's a struggle out here as it gets hotter.

1. Water water water water. It is so easy to get dehydrated in the heat. We have to drink enough water, especially if we like to enjoy a good margarita after work. Carry around a nalgene, freeze a water bottle, or buy some water while you're out- but make sure you drink enough! We don't need y'all falling out.

 2. Check on the old folks.  Ladies, gents, and everyone else- we can't forget about our elders, especially in this heat. I'm sure we've all seen the news stories of older individuals dying in their homes because of the heat. Don't think just because they have an air conditioner in their window that they're using it or that they're doing okay.

3. Ice-cream. Water-ice or whatever icy treat you enjoy. Make sure you take sometime out to enjoy the nice things about summer. Getting soft-serve vanilla ice cream in chocolate dip is a treat for me. But remember not to over-indulge. Gaining weight in the summer is no fun. And folks, no matter how drunk or high you may be, just because you like ice cream, don't go and do a Gucci Mane. Ever.

4. Dress the part. Folks, just because it's hot outside doesn't mean everyone needs to see your ass, titties, belly or back fat, or anything else that needs to have a bit of fabric covering it up. Ladies, you know y'all are wrong for those outfits sometimes. In the words of Phonte: "Got the fat hangin over the sides (Better go to lane bryant). Girl, you got your gut bustin over the side of your jeans. It look like a muffin". And fellas, seriously just pull up your pants.

5. Showers, deodorant, and sunscreen. Showers folks. Whether it's cold or hot, we gotta remember to get the funk off our backs after a long hot day/night. Stale sweat is not sexy and no one wants to sit next to a funky person, especially in the heat. So please, please, please James Brown. wear some deodorant. And every skin type and color can get sun cancer and a sunburn, wear some good sunscreen. Your body will thank you.

Now that's just a few on my list for keeping cool and fresh in the heat. Please feel free to add yours! And remember folks, stick to the shade when you can.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Fiore Scott Files: Sometimes I'm a Mess

When life hands me lemons, I like to make vodka lemon.

When someone hands me a drink, there's a good chance I'm going to drink it. (Unless it's from a stranger. Come on now folks- that would just be stupid.)

That half empty or half full glass is just perfect for adding some whiskey.

And I'm usually the person finding events with a free open bar or drink tickets.

Okay, I think you get it. I enjoy a drink or three here and there.

That being said, sometimes I do stupid things with liquor. Sometimes I'm a mess. It happens to the best and worst of us. It's a part of adulthood. As long as I don't get arrested, shot, kill someone, get pregnant, or an std- I think I can get a pass here and there. I've watched my friends be messy and they've seen me be ridiculous or heard my messy tales. I'm glad these tales have gotten to be fewer and far between, but some days I just let loose a little too much.                                                                  

Monday night was one such night. Now I haven't done anything particularly messy since my birthday last July. I've been a good girl and have kept my drinking to a minimum and haven't gone hard like I did Monday night in a long while. Oh how I sometimes yearn for the heydays of college when I could consume copious amounts of liquor, wake up drunk the next morning, and head to class with the intention of drinking again that night. No more of those days for me. I could say that I'm getting old, but my friend would beat me, so I'll refrain.

Now this particular Monday night I found myself at a VIP event at a fancy ass steakhouse that I wouldn't dream of eating at with my current budgetary problems. But somehow, I've made myself likable, useful, and cool enough to get on the list for these VIP events and they always have free drinks and scrumptious finger foods overflowing. This particular night I was seeing and reconnecting with people I hadn't had the chance to hang with in months, was celebrating finishing my classes with As, and letting off some serious steam from work. Somehow I managed to have 3 cocktails, 2 glasses of wine, and a beer in a span of 3 hours. My motto of the night was: Fuck work tomorrow.

I had an awesome time and came home more drunk than I've been in a long time. However, that's when the fun stopped. Right before bed I felt the need to pray to the porcelain goddess. Of course, my body decided not to have a gag reflex when I tried to help myself along and I went to bed feeling like crap. I also woke up feeling like crap as well. I stumbled into the shower and than sat by the toilet for another 10 minutes hoping I could finally dispel this yucky feeling from my stomach. No such luck.

I managed to make it to the bus on time and get to the subway, but that's when everything went downhill. I thank God for McDonalds. I was able to make it to their bathroom in time to puke my brains out. I laughed to myself and thought: Hey at least this isn't pregnancy morning sickness. Lemons folks, lemons.

Anyway, I made it to work still feeling absolutely terrible. I spent the first 2 hours with my forehead on my wrist pad and being told on the phone that I sounded sick. I had brought bread and a soft pretzel with me to eat but I hadn't touched either. It was that bad. But around 10:45 I felt it. That need to get to the porcelain goddess and pay my respects and pay them now. I rushed along the back hallways to get to a working bathroom. I failed. I ended up puking clear liquid in one of the hallways. I thank God that it was a storage hallway where hardly anyone went, that I puked up all the water and liquor I had been drinking, and that I was wearing a black shirt. God took pity on me yesterday.

I'm never going to drink again. Says the girl who's going to a happy hour after work today.

I'm going to be real here. Yesterday was a messy ass moment for me. I puked in a hallway at work. MESS-SAY. Not a moment I'll forget anytime soon for sure. But it's also a moment I hope never to top.

I'm still feeling lousy at 12:34AM on Wednesday, so my body is still not happy with my decisions. I enjoyed my night a little too hard and I'm paying for it. On the bright side, I know for sure that I won't be drinking anywhere at that level anytime soon. Once in a long while is okay, but I know my limit and drinking 6 drinks in 3 hours is nowhere in the cards for me anytime soon. Messy living is bad for my health so I'll keep that to a strict minimum- once a year. Hey, what's a wedding reception without friends telling your family and friends about your most ridiculous nights.

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